Mr. Right Isn’t Mr. Wrong 2.0

Being that it’s Valentine’s season *barfs* XD , I feel compelled to write a post about what a lot of girls (including me) sometimes do when dating: holding on to our heartbreaking pasts. Ladies, this is destructive behavior, and we need to stop doing this for the sake of our relationships.

Heartbreak Syndrome

At twenty-two years of age, I’m currently in my second relationship. I’ve been dating this guy just shy of a year, and as cliché as it sounds, he’s the answer to every prayer I’ve relayed to God about my hopes for a relationship during my previous single season. He’s hilarious, he’s a movie nerd, he encourages me to follow God. He’s an absolute goober, he challenges me to better myself, and he supports my dreams of becoming a published author. He’s completely different from what I expected when we first met, yet he’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of. *Cue sappy romantic music* and he’s taught me that it’s okay to open my heart to someone again. ❤

Yet, even though my boyfriend and I share an amazing relationship, doubts from my former relationship and single season continue to arise. There are times when my old anxieties rear their ugly heads, saying things like he’ll become annoyed with you after a while, or he’s embarrassed by you. That is because I became used those types of situations during my last relationship and single season. The guy I used to date was good at saying sweet things but never treated me well. He often made me feel bad about myself, from the clothes I wore to the perfume I used. He often flirted with other girls in front of me. He was embarrassed to bring me around his friends. Guys I talked to during my single season treated me as if I was disposable-they would text me for hours on end, only for me to discover later that they were also texting quite a few other girls as well. Thankfully, God guided me away from dating any of those guys.

But, this post isn’t about bashing the guys that have treated me wrong in the past and created the Heartbreak Syndrome mentality within me. This post is about overcoming that mentality, and approaching new relationships as God intended.

Overcoming Heartbreak Syndrome

I’m by no means an expert on overcoming Heartbreak Syndrome. In fact, I just struggled with an episode of this over the weekend. I compared my boyfriend’s actions to those of a former heart-breaker, though my boyfriend did not intend for those actions to be taken that way. Thankfully, he’s a very understanding guy. I thank God every day for allowing me to date someone who understands what I’m going through with these dating anxieties.

But, my boyfriend can’t save me from this mentality. I have to turn it over to God.

“He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.”
-Psalm 147:3

God heals the broken-hearted. Some may argue that this verse is meant for more extreme cases of heartbreak, such as divorce, homelessness, or having someone close to you pass away. And yes, I don’t discredit that. However, God is also willing to heal those of us with wounded hearts. God is willing to listen to all of us, to be the shoulder we cry on, and to be our refuge from heartache.

“Heaviness in the heart of man maketh it stoop: but a good word maketh it glad.”
-Proverbs 12:25

And another thing: WE have a say in what we think about. If we constantly remind ourselves of our heartbreaking past, we’re going to reflect our past on our current relationship. Your new, sweet boyfriend doesn’t deserve that! I apologize to my boyfriend quite frequently because of this. Note to self: Your boyfriend isn’t your ex. Your boyfriend isn’t that jerk that treated you wrong. Unless he’s done something to warrant this type of thinking, DON’T THINK IT! 
Instead, remind yourself of what a sweetheart he is. Tell him how much you appreciate him for treating you well. Treat him well in return. Worship God together and make Him the center of your relationship, and the time you spend reflecting on the past will diminish.

 

So, to recap:

1) Determine your scope of Heartbreak Syndrome.

2) Cast your anxieties on God. Let Him heal you.

3) Don’t focus on those old, blah guys. You’re in a new relationship. Focus on how great it can be instead.

 

Thanks for reading! Goodnight, and God bless!

-Allyson 😀

Advertisements

Relationships: How To Spot the Wrong One

How to Determine if You’re Dating
The Right One

In this day and time, people oftentimes consider themselves lucky if they can find someone to date them, regardless of whether the relationship is a good fit for them. This ideology can be destructive towards us, because it will keep us feeling stuck in relationships that will drain us and make us develop a negative outlook towards the concept of love. This practice is even more detrimental to Christians, for an unfit relationship can cause them to be led astray from their faith in God, and therefore destroy every other aspect of their life in it’s wake. So, how can we as Christians determine if the person we’re in a relationship with could be the right one? Well, we compare their actions to what the Bible says about love.

What is Love?

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 Love never fails.


-1 Corinthians 13:4-8

The above verses are often read aloud at wedding ceremonies, and are featured in romantic films such as one of my personal favorites, A Walk to Remember; however, many people love to recite those words, reveling in the fact that it’s a cute love quote rather than taking the words to heart as God intended. Today, we’re going to review how love is defined in these verses, and determine how to spot a relationship that fails to align with these guidelines.

Love Is Patient, Love is Kind

Truly loving someone requires constant patience and kindness. Sure, your significant other may test you sometimes with being late, saying something out of the way, or doing something that you disagree with. Nevertheless, at the end of the day, if you truly feel love for this person, you will wait for them, even if you don’t feel like it. You will be understanding when they mess up. And, you will do these things with a good attitude.

Now, let’s consider this from your significant other’s actions. Does he/she exhibit patience and understanding with you when you fall short of what they expect, or do they approach you with hostile words?

Warning Signs:

  • Quickly growing angry when they have to wait on you
  • Constantly making rude remarks

Love Does Not Envy, Love Does Not Boast, Love Is Not Proud

Truly loving someone also requires that one will not exhibit jealousy over the other relationships that their significant other has or has had in the past. For example, if your significant other likes to spend (a reasonable amount of) time with their friends, you should allow them to enjoy that freedom without complaining that their friends are intervening with your time together. True love also does not boast, and is not proud. Boasting/exhibiting a proud nature in a relationship comes in the form of being too busy bragging about your own accomplishments than magnifying the accomplishments and strengths of your significant other.

Going back to your significant other, let’s consider their actions. Is he/she envious of your relationships with others, even non-romantic ones? Does he/she spend a lot of time bragging on themselves, while only pointing out your flaws?

Warning Signs:

  • They constantly exhibit jealousy over your friends/family/exes
  • They forbid you to interact with certain others
  • They place themselves on a pedestal
  • They constantly blame others and never accept their own mistakes

Love Does Not Dishonor Others, It Is Not Self-Seeking

When you love someone, you will make a choice to not dishonor them. Dishonoring your significant other can come in the form of calling them derogatory names and talking about their flaws with others (YES this includes posting bad things about your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend on Facebook). Love is also not self-seeking, meaning that you’re not just dating or marrying this person for personal gain. For example, someone may chose to marry someone for money.

Does your significant other often say things that are aimed to lower your self-esteem, or make you look like a criminal? Do they always seem to focus on a certain aspect about you that may have the potential to boost their standing?

Warning Signs:

  • They call you a skank (or worse versions of this word), stupid, ugly, etc.
  • They question your trustworthiness constantly, though you haven’t done anything for them not to trust you
  • They constantly take advantage of your kindess

Love Is Not Easily Angered, It Keeps No Records of Wrongs

Along with utilizing the virtue of patience, true love requires us to not become easily angered with our significant other. Loving someone with understanding and kindness does not go hand in hand with constantly being angry with them. Additionally, love keeps no records of past wrongdoings. Maybe your significant other has fallen into sin before you met, maybe they have wronged you during your relationship. However, if you truly love this person, you will be willing to love them as Jesus does… forgive and forget.

Does your significant other seem to be angry at you over every little thing? Do they keep a list of things you have done wrong, and pull them out to belittle you?

Warning Signs:

  • They pick meaningless fights
  • They hold grudges
  • They expect you to forget all of the mistakes they’ve made but keep a list of yours

Love Does Not Delight In Evil, But Rejoices With The Truth

I’m going to be completely honest here: a guaranteed red-flag in a Christian based relationship is that you or your significant other is leading the relationship into sinful actions rather than actions that honor God. In addition, if you find yourself trusting more heavily in the knowledge/approval of your significant other over that of God, you are not honoring God. True love for Christians involves encouraging one another to actively pursue a relationship with God, to live according to the standards He has set out for us, and for us to love as He has instructed us.

Does your significant other lead you to sin? Do they encourage your relationship with God, or distract you from Him?

Warning Signs:

  • Constantly overstepping physical boundaries after you have asked them to stop
  • You have stopped going/missed a lot of church since you started dating
  • You feel further away from God after spending time with them

Love Always Protects, Always Trusts, Always Hopes, Always Perseveres

Truly loving someone implies that you will always be willing to protect them from harm. This means that you will stand behind them when the world seems like it’s turning against them, that you will pray for God to help ward off the temptations or struggle in their life. Loving someone also means that you will always be willing to trust their words and actions. Lastly, loving someone involves placing your hope and persevering in the relationship. If you go into the relationship thinking that you won’t be with this person long, then you won’t; it’s just that simple. Most importantly, when you’re facing a tough situation, you’ll be willing to fight to the end with this person if you love them.

Does your significant other pray for you, in times of need or on a regular basis? Do they trust you, and can you trust them? Do they see themselves with you in the long-term?

Warning Signs:

  • They don’t pray for you
  • They act distant when you need to talk to them about your problems
  • They act like they don’t trust you
  • They always snoop through your phone/social media profiles
  • You’re stepping on eggshells wondering when it will end

LOVE NEVER FAILS

The last portion of the verse is the most significant attribute of love in my opinion: it NEVER fails. A lot of people say that they still love their ex boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife… but if what you two had together was really LOVE, it wouldn’t have failed. The person God intends for you to love in a romantic relationship that will lead to marriage will stick with you through everything, and won’t opt to end the relationship under any circumstance. They will be willing to be patient, persevere, and continually exhibit faith that God will see the two of you through your trials and tribulations. The good news? With God on your side, you’ll have nothing to worry about.

Do you and your significant other fight a lot? Is your relationship constantly on-again, off-again?

Warning Signs:

  • There are constant arguments in your relationship
  • There are many unsettled arguments/grudges
  • You feel trapped in this relationship
  • You’ve broken up and gotten back together many times
  • You often question if this person is worthy of spending forever with

Love isn’t…

If you were able to relate to a majority of the warning signs listed above, you may want to reflect on your current relationship. Are you and/or your significant other exhibiting these virtues that make up love? If you are not, or if they are not, that does not necessarily mean that you should break up immediately. If your relationship isn’t living up to love’s standards, yet you have feelings for this person, read these verses together for what they are. Attempt to resolve your relationship by living by these standards and making God your center focus. If one of you has a hard time adapting, then by all means, end it. Being able to say you have a boyfriend/girlfriend isn’t worth feeling unloved, especially if it’s leading you away from God.

Goodnight, and God bless!

-Allyson 😀

Featured Image Found Here

Wait For It…

For the longest time, I had a Lydia Bennet mentality.

For those of you who love Pride and Prejudice as much as I do, you can imagine just how horrid that period of my life was.  And, for those of you who have no idea what that means… I was boy crazy.  Not just boy crazy… idiotically boy crazy to the point where I felt privileged if a guy wanted to text me because at least I was attractive to someone, even if I didn’t even really like him myself.

darcydontprove

P.S. This meme is my favorite thing on the Internet. XD

Needless to say, it was a very dumb part of my past that I’m glad to say is over.  However, it didn’t end because I found a boyfriend, but because I rediscovered God.  Today, I’m going to be straightforward with you about why it’s important to wait until God provides you with a Christ-centered relationship.

The Road of Rejection

Girls, I’m just going to go ahead and throw some advice out there:

1) If a prospective guy texts you nonstop but never makes an effort to make plans with you, then he’s not worth pursuing.

2)  If a prospective guy stops talking to you out of the blue, do not, under any circumstances, fall for his charms again.

3) If you like a guy, and he won’t acknowledge your existence, let it be.  For the love of love, just let it be.

Over the course of the past few years, I have found through numerous instances that these truths are indeed self-evident, yet difficult to adhere to.  Sometimes the guy that’s texting you seems really interesting, and you get addicted to talking to him everyday.  Sometimes after he has stopped talking to you for a while, you’ll feel relieved when you see his name pop up on your phone again.  And sometimes, you’ll notice some guy that you swear up and down is your dream guy, that you’re meant to be and all that hoo-ha… and he’ll ignore you as if his life depends on it.

Long story short, rejection isn’t fun at all.  Trust me when I say that if you have been or are currently going through any of the scenarios above, that God didn’t let you go through that because He feels you’re not worthy of earthly love.  Instead, God lets you be rejected by guys who are unworthy of a romantic relationship with you in order for you to recognize the love you truly need:  a relationship with your Heavenly Father.

Seek Him, Not Them

“The Lord is good unto them that wait for Him, to the soul that seeketh Him.”
-Lamentations 3:25

When you’re going through the single season, you may feel insecure due to failed attempts at love, or a lack of acceptance from guys who you have been interested in.  Your first instinct may be to solve this problem on your own by trying to become acquainted with different guys in order to find a boyfriend, but please know that your attempts will be futile if you go about it with the wrong intentions.  If you claim to be a daughter of God, seek to engage in your relationship with Him first and foremost, and then He’ll lead you to the man He knows is right for you.  The main problem girls in the single season face, (including myself when I was there just a few months ago), is that we become obsessed with the idea that we have to have a boyfriend to feel validated.  Therefore, we often let this obsession overshadow our love for God, and begin to become attracted to guys who are outside of His Will for us.

Be Equally Yoked

“Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?” -2 Corinthians 6:14

In a match-made-in-Heaven relationship, the couple will be equally yoked with one another.  Being equally yoked means that they will share a love for God and His commandments, and that they will be able to encourage each other to follow Christ.  On the other hand, if a couple is unequally yoked, they will disagree about their spiritual beliefs, which will inevitably cause conflict in the long run.  I can say from experience that if you are truly dedicated to following Christ, that God will save you from falling for a guy who will cause you to be led astray.  Remember, God wants what’s best for you,  and having a long-term romantic relationship with someone who doesn’t acknowledge or believe in Him and His commandments is definitely not where He intends to place you.

God Hears You

.”The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.” -Psalm 34:18

Single Christian women, God knows about the heartache you’ve suffered.  God hears your prayers where you plead for a godly man to begin a relationship with.  Likewise, He also knows who, when, where and how in which that relationship will begin.  And trust me, when you finally find yourself meeting a godly man, you’ll be thanking God that He made you wait for him.  A godly man will build you up and encourage you to lean on Christ, not ignore you and leave you crying by yourself.  A godly man will show you Bible verses and pray for you, not ditch church on Sundays and belittle you.  It may not seem possible now, but if it’s in His will, God’s got a godly man specifically designed for you if you’ll simply let love take it’s course and wait on the Master with the plan.

Goodnight and God bless!

-Allyson 😀

 

Featured Image Found At: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/546483736010632995/

Featured Image Attributed to: spiritualinspiration.tumblr.com

 

 

Relationships: Don’t Look for Perfection

Calling all Christian singles, or Christians who may be dating (or courting) someone at the moment… I have to let you in on a little secret:

“Mister/Miss perfect for you” won’t be perfect.

I know, this may be a devastating blow to some of you readers out there.  You may be thinking, “there’s a guy/girl out there for me who truly makes God their top priority, and they will have minimal sinful baggage to bring to our relationship”.  And yes, that may be true for some of you; however, that won’t be the case for all of us.  Some of us are going to fall for people with troubled pasts.  Some of us are going to have to practice patience and forgiveness whenever we find out about our significant other’s past.  Some of us are going to have to nudge them back to Christ.  Some of us are going to end up with an imperfect person.

But guess what?  We’re all imperfect.

Oh yeah… remember that lie you told?  Remember that time you disobeyed your parents?  Remember that time you had lustful thoughts about someone, even if you didn’t put those thoughts into action?  You, me, he, she, we… we’re all imperfect sinners who are given grace by a perfect God.  We as humans tend to think that there are different ranks of sins, meaning that some are worse than others.  Honestly, that’s not the case at all.  God’s word tells us that all sins are of equal measure:

“For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all.” -James 2:10

So, if you’ve committed one sin, you’ve basically committed them all.  No sin is better or worse than any other… they’re all bad.  It’s bad to lie.  It’s bad to steal.  It’s bad to sin against our bodies through using drugs, alcohol, or having sexual relationships outside of marriage.  Going back to what I said in Forgive and Forget, we as Christians know that God will forgive us every time we fall short of His commandments, but we’re quick to cast shameful looks on others when they sin.

Parable time! 😀

There are two Christians, Jim and Kim.  Jim murdered someone before he got saved, and Kim is a compulsive liar who is a sort-of Christian.  As you can see, both Jim and Kim have sinned in their past.  Both Jim and Kim will die, and will appear before God to be judged.  When God looks upon Jim, the reformed murderer, He will not say, “well Jim, you killed a man.  That’s a terrible sin that isn’t worthy of salvation, even though you’ve lived for Me for the past 30 years.  You’re going to Hell.”  Likewise, He’s not going to approach Kim and say, “well Kim, you lie like a penny in the parking lot at a grocery store, but it’s just a minor offense.  I know you haven’t really tried to live according to my commandments, but you’ve done some Christiany things.  Welcome to Heaven!”

That’s not how it works.  That’s not how any of this works. XD

“As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one…”
-Romans 3:10

Alas, none of us are perfect, so don’t think that your future boyfriend/girlfriend should have a pristine past.

Now you’re gonna ask me,

“How do we deal with their past sins?”

Okay, so you’re dating/thinking about dating a Christian who has struggled with sin in the past.  Maybe they did jail time, maybe they’ve been promiscuous in past relationships.  Upon learning that information, it’s going to hurt you.  You’re going to want to ask them a million questions as to why they acted in that manner when God’s word clearly states that it’s a sin.  You’re going to wonder if they’re worth pursuing a relationship with, and if they’ll return to their former ways.  It’s going to take a toll on you to find out that your potential mate isn’t all sunshine and sweetness like you initially thought they would be.  Nevertheless, remember that their past is going to be even harder on them.

Before you verbally attack this person with questions and doubt their potential, I beg of you, reconsider and take the following steps:

  1. Talk to them about your concerns, but don’t ask them for all the details.  If you ask someone to go into the gory details of their past, you’re going to receive a whopping dosage of TMI, and your over-analyzing may make you think less of the person.  Instead, just tell them how you’re feeling after hearing about what happened.
  2. Ask them if they’ve talked to God about the issue.  If you’re a Christian, this is especially important, considering you’re thinking about pursuing a long-term relationship with this person.  If they have asked God to cleanse them from their sin and are actively working to live according to His commandments now, then you have absolutely nothing to worry about, darling.  Conversely, if they don’t think what they’ve done is wrong and refuse to ask God for forgiveness well… here’s your sign.
  3. Forgive and Forget.  They’ve already asked God for forgiveness, and He’s shed His grace upon them.  We should be willing to do the same.  If you truly care for this person, a sinful past shouldn’t be the end-all of the relationship.  Remind yourself of all of the amazing things about this person, why you took a liking to them in the first place.  Don’t let the past, especially if they’re trying their best to change, skew your perception of them.

Let the past remain in the past.

Don’t let past offenses overshadow tomorrow’s miracles.

“For sin shall not have dominion over you: for ye are not under the law, but under grace.” -Romans 6:14

Besides, maybe this is your person.

I know this post is getting long-winded, but here’s the main reason I wanted to relay this message to the Christian dating scene:  maybe this imperfect person is YOUR person.  Maybe that guy/girl who used to drink and sleep around needs you to be a Hosea-like person and lead them to Christ.  Maybe God placed you in each other’s lives because you both need rescuing… by inspiring one another to work through the sins of their past and to actively make God the center of their relationship.

Perfect couples don’t exist, because neither part of the couple is perfect.

Nevertheless, a couple that builds each other up to follow Christ is perfect in God’s eyes.

Don’t throw away a beautiful future because of an ugly past.

 

Good day, and God bless!

-Allyson 😀

Featured image found at:  https://www.pinterest.com/pin/324540716880897930/

Featured image attributed to: Eddie Cortes